Politics For Dummies

“In the Youth Congress, if you have support and can get elected, you can be a leader” – Rahul Gandhi [Link]

The truth has a way of slipping out at unexpected times, right Mr.Gandhi? Without your family’s support and money, would you have become a leader?

The story is incomplete…Mr. Gandhi forgot to mention all the rules of the game…

Rule 1

Morals are for idiots…An honest politician is an oxymoron

Rule 2

Neta = Clout + Money (Bribes, Swindling, Extortion) + Goonda + Dubious Record + Manipulative Skills + Ability to make outrageous comments and later deny them (foot-in-mouth syndrome) + Disconnect from reality

Rule 3

Qualifications required: 3rd. standard fail certificate + long criminal record (murder, rape, fraud, extortion)

Rule 4

Wear white…If you can’t afford Ariel or Surf, use Nirma…If you can’t afford even Nirma, wear saffron

Rule 5

Working for constituents is unfashionable…The first 2 years have to be devoted to recouping election expenses and the next 3 to raising money for reelection or retirement

Rule 6

Be fluent in at least one vernacular language…Forget English

Rule 7

Always travel in a motorcade with 50 ‘black cats’…Make sure to block traffic…After all, politicians are aam aadmi

Rule 8

Weekends are yours…Try your best make each and every weekend a long one by not attending parliament on Mondays

Rule 9

Make sure to employ a good CA to hide your black money…Be well versed in Swiss and Cayman Islands banking laws

Rule 10

Get involved in a scam at the first opportunity

Edited to add:

Rule 11

Make sure to hire good PR people to organize symposiums dedicated to your praises while doing nothing for your constituents or country…Keep on offering freebies like plastic water containers (coloured), colour TVs, rice at Rs.2/kg, free electricity etc. without caring two hoots about the financial implications

Rule 12

Always be ready to go on indefinite hunger strikes from 6 am to 12 noon when things don’t go your way

Rule 13

Make sure to rent a good cold storage facility to house your election promises…Recycling is the need of the day

Rule 14

Never offend extremists especially foreign ones

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45 thoughts on “Politics For Dummies

  1. Rule 11 :

    Practice running over slopes (downhill); helps when you need to dash from the back benches into the well of the house. No thinking required at anytime.

    Rule 12 :

    Every so many years defect from the party and fight as an independent. Amazing revenue earning opportunity plus paid holidays in secret to resorts.

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  2. “Wear white…If you can’t afford Ariel or Surf, use Nirma…If you can’t afford even Nirma, wear saffron.”

    🙂 Ha ha 🙂

    “Ability to make outrageous comments and later deny them…” Sad but so true.

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  3. Popped in from Blogadda. Simply hilarious. Enjoyed the sarcasm. I remember reading somewhere how the word politics came to be –
    Politics – derived from the words ‘poly’ meaning ‘many’ and ‘ticks’ as in ‘small, blood-sucking parasites’. 😀
    Congrats on the Blogadda pick.

    Me: That’s a good definition of politics and thanks…

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  4. Ouch. It’s sad because it’s so true!

    But I’ve always been a mindless optimist. I say things will get better as the country becomes more connected and aware. I know I’m in a minority here.

    By the way, living (for a short time) in the US, I’ve had an opportunity to observe the political system here. It’s not as rosy as you may think. True, the politicians don’t scream and shout, but it’s probably as bad as in India. The reason is that bribery in the US is legalized under the name of “lobbying”. The corporations have taken over the government, giving them money for campaign contributions.

    Also, the two party system in the US is a cartel. Third parties are actively discouraged – so the choice between the democrats and the republicans is like deciding who will screw you over. At least in India, we have dozens of parties, and there’s always a chance that someone will make a difference. In the US, there’s no hope at all.

    This may sound crazy to you, but based on what I’ve seen here, I prefer the Indian political scene to the US. In India, things are disorganized and this limits the damage that can be done. In the US, bribery, corruption, and vested interests are so systematic that the people get screwed over much more efficient manner. Even the courts are politicized and the judges are appointed by the politicians. In India, the judiciary is fiercely independent…

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    • I’ve lived in the US for a while and I know what you mean…Lobbyists run Washington, not the government…But what I like about their system is that the people elect the head of government directly (unlike in India) and once the President is elected, he is able to serve out his term without the fear of losing a no-confidence vote…He can get things done…

      Since when has the judiciary in India been ‘fiercely independent’? Technically yes, but practically no…At least in America, both the House and Senate get a chance to approve or disapprove a judicial nomination…Yes, they may be influenced but at least they get to vote…In India, judges are appointed according to their clout…

      Even though the American political system is corrupt, they have achieved something…What has India achieved in the last 62 years? Has the country lived up to her potential? Wealth has been created since Independence, but only a minority and politicians have benefited…Is our Law & Order situation good? Is the police competent and independent of political and economic influences? India was supposed to be an economic juggernaut by the year 2000 but now the date has been postponed to 2050…In 2050, it will postponed further…

      Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that India is a democracy but I think we would have been better off if more of our leaders had been honest…Politicians all over the world are the same, period…

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      • My opinion is that India has achieved a great deal more than any other country. Let’s compare to the US. The US has been a democracy for over 200 years. Even then, racial discrimination was legally abolished only in 1965 – 150 years after independence. India has never had any legal discrimination.

        Texas was the last state to abolish homosexuality in 2003 – over 200 years after Independence. India has done the same in less than 65.

        The Indian judiciary is one of the only countries in the world which allows PILs. Technically even a poor person can take the government to court (as has happened). In the US, you have to be rich to even get a hearing.

        The US Supreme court is insipid whether it comes to copyright protection, surveillance, or criticizing government policy in general. It never happens. Ever. In India, the Apex court regularly flays the government openly and even threatens to dismiss state governments who behave irresponsibly (Like it threatened to do with the UP government over the statue issue).

        Also, the US has it a lot easier than India. It has a homogeneous culture (you can get burgers anywhere, jeans are the norm in every state), 1/5th of the population, 5 times the land area, and one primary language. India has none of these advantages. I personally feel it’s nothing short of a miracle that India has survived.

        People ask “what has India achieved” compared to a country like the US. I would tell them – wait for another 150 years and then make a comparison, and even then it would be an unfair one for the reasons mentioned above.

        If you look at America 62 years after it was created, its condition was much much worse than what India is now. In just about every major statistic, India is in the same condition that America was in the 1950s. Whether it’s infant mortality, life expectancy, average real value income or even sanitation. America wasn’t the paradise that many people assume it was.

        I feel too many Indians criticize India. Familiarity breeds contempt perhaps. I’m not a fervent nationalist and of course we have a lot to improve. But one really must give credit where it’s due. Look at every single country surrounding us. Each has had democracy fail multiple times despite having advantages that India doesn’t. How anyone can call India a failure I don’t realize. Compared to which other country’s similar timeline?

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        • One main reason why India has achieved more than the US after 62 years of independence is the time factor…1776 and 1947 were eons apart as far as social thinking and economic progress were concerned…Also, the authors of our constitution had the benefit of analyzing the American constitution with all its amendments and choosing the best from it…

          Having said that, I love the fact that India is a democracy and howsoever stunted it may be, the government is made from the wishes of the people and is representative of the country…The only thing I hate about this scenario is the quality of the people we are ‘forced’ to elect…

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        • Yes, the Indian judiciary allows IPLs only when it suits them…Why should judges be exempt? We all know most of them take bribes so why should they be protected?

          Re. the Telegana issue – The Centre wants all cases against Telangana activists booked since November 29 to be dropped – is the judiciary independent?

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          • Come, I’m not saying that everything’s perfect. And with the Center, it’s a give and take situation, but it isn’t true that the courts are subservient. Indian courts are less controlled by the government than many so called “developed” nations. We must appreciate that, and not merely pick out the flaws. Doing so makes us seem lopsided. One must give credit where it’s due.

            I was essentially responding to your statement of “What has India achieved in the last 62 years?” My contention is that we must celebrate what we have achieved, and it was my attempt to bring some achievements to light. That is all. It wasn’t my intention to claim that India is a paradise.

            But it’s because of India’s strengths that my wife and I never wanted to remain permanently in the US, and we’re returning back home in less than a month now. For a middle class person like me, I don’t like living in the States. America has it’s own share of huge problems that a country like India doesn’t have. And I prefer to live with India’s problems than those of the US. For me India is a better place to live in…

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            • Bhagawad Jal Park, I agree to almost everything you said regarding USA vis a vis India. US democracy is theoratically and practically inferior to India’s due to reasons you cited. Bush would never be able to hijack an election in a country with a good democratic system.

              Bones, I liked your sarcasm and congrats for the blog adda pick.

              My feeling is politicians are part of our society and reflect the good and bad values of our society. Many are not so good but some are very clean.Painting everyone as crooks may help only the real crooks as ppl loose all belief in democracy.

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    • don’t you think the judiciary Appears to be independent, than it actually is ? the judiciary and the law enforcment are puppets of the politicians – everywhere around the world.

      the fact is there are few who can remain in the goondaism of politics. and politics is not charity. if today you are elected, tomorrow he will be – let’s join hands and work for “ourselves ” – that is how it works now, and has worked before.

      is the situation helpless – NO – if the local people understand their power of numbers there is always a win – the politicians know this very welll and are always scared of mass uprisings – if the mass is organized, many corrupted politicians will live in the jail for the rest of their lives , but the fact is the “mass ” is oppressed by their own thinking and subjugated by their own thoughts of poverty – that is where the problem lies . paulo fraire( spell check ) advocates that the changing of the thought process is the only solution to good governance.

      Me: I absolutely agree with you, Anrosh…

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  5. Whats with this hatred of the vernacular?

    Mahatma Gandhi: The school must be an extension of home there must be concordance between the impressions which a child gathers at home and at school, if the best results are to be obtained. Education through the medium of strange tongue breaks the concordance which should exist. Those who break this relationship are enemies of the people even though their motives may be honest. To be a voluntary victim of this system of education is as good as the betrayal of our duty towards our mothers.

    http://www.gandhi-manibhavan.org/gandhiphilosophy/philosophy_education_aspergandhi.htm

    Swami Vivekananda: “The Europeanised man has no backbone, he is a mass of heterogeneous ideas picked up at random from every source–and these ideas are unassimilated, undigested, unharmonised. He does not stand on his own feet, and his head is turning round and round. Where is the motive power of his work? In a few patronising pats from the English people.”

    Mahatma Gandhi again: “It is my considered opinion that English education in the manner in which it has been given has emasculated the English-educated Indian…. The process of replacing the vernacular has been one of the saddest chapters in the British connection. … No country can become a nation by producing a race of imitators.”

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  6. rule xx : make trips to the US/Uk 17 times a year using aaam admi’s money. ( in the pretext of seeing the facilities of the city ) stay in a rich indian’s house and enjoy.

    rule xx: make trips to a “zhopari” with your friend from London and show him the ethnicity of the land !

    rule xx : as vinod sharma says ” i am your leader, according to rahul gandhi ” and if you don’t listen to me you will be faced with dire circumstances.

    ..sarcasam surely works .. congrats SG on the pick.

    Me: Thank you!

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  7. Pingback: My nomination list – I « Straight Drive

  8. to use Kislay’s fav word 😀 kickass! 😀

    the first rule is the one to keep in mind always

    if you cant beat em join em to which I say if you cant beat em atleast u can laugh at em 🙂
    only option left with us..

    Congrats on the Blogadda pick 🙂 totally worth it! 🙂

    Me: Thank you!

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