Top 5 Ways To Tick People Off

5. TYPE ONLY IN UPPER CASE  – Stop yelling, will ya! Your written work is not that important

4. Write like Dan Brown…Milk an idea (Christianity and symbolism) till your hands drop off…Tie bits and pieces of reality closely into fiction to create a fabulous world of nothing-is-as-it-first-seems-to-be, and then call it a work based on facts…Plots should be simple and full of holes…Writing style: action, long explanation, action, long explanation…Opening sentences should always be the same – don’t ever deviate from the tried and tested formula…

Da Vinci Code – “Renowned curator Jacques Saunière staggered through the vaulted archway of the museum’s Grand Gallery.”

Angels and Demons – “Physicist Leonardo Vetra smelled burning flesh, and he knew it was his own.”

Deception Point – “Death, in this forsaken place, could come in countless forms. Geologist Charles Brophy had endured the savage splendor of this terrain for years, and yet nothing could prepare him for a fate as barbarous and unnatural as the one about to befall him.”

Sentences like “A voice spoke, chillingly close. “Do not move.” and “…crawled out from under the canvas and scanned the cavernous space for someplace to hide” (Da Vinci Code) are a must…

Oops! I nearly forgot the most important thing – your tome should be at least 10,000 pages long and each chapter only one

3. Eat noisily – chomp, slurp, belch, fart – with gravy dripping down the side of your mouth and then wipe it with the back of your hand…Make Homer Simpson turn on his head

2. Go back for more items when the cashier is already checking out your groceries…Remember to do this when there are at least 10 people in the line behind you

1. Call pseudonymous bloggers ‘the anonymous elite’