Scenes From A Marriage – II

Marriage – Rule No. 2

If you’ve declared yourself to be a strong and independent woman, don’t go looking for help from your husband

Some time back, I had a heated exchange with my part time cook…She was rude to my daughter which made me go ballistic…I asked her to leave immediately…She got angry and started screaming…I got angry and started screaming…After I ‘threw’ her out, I went to my husband and said:

Me: Why the hell didn’t you intervene?

Husband: Because it was between the two of you

Me: So, it was OK for her to be rude to M?

Husband: I didn’t say that

Me: Aren’t you my husband? Aren’t you supposed to support and protect me?

Husband: Support, yes…Protect, no…I support your decision to fire her but why do I need to protect you? For 9 years you’ve been telling me that men and women are equal and that women can take care of themselves, so where does this business of protecting you come from?

Me: So, if she had hit me, you would have just stood back and watched?

Husband: Yup, I love good catfights – MEOW!

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24 thoughts on “Scenes From A Marriage – II

  1. I see this in my marriage as well 🙂 Sometimes my wife just wants to be taken care of…though as avowed equals, there’s no reason why she shouldn’t take care of me too! This is frequently a bickering point.

    So how does this work? Is it true that in spite of all the drives for gender equality there’s something in women that makes them want the man to just “take charge?” Hold the door open, hold the chair out, be chivalrous etc…?

    Me: It’s nice for a man to be chivalrous but I don’t personally demand it…I think holding the door open for the person behind you just shows good manners, not chivalry…No matter how independent a woman is, she likes to be taken care of just as a man likes to be taken care of by his wife…Sometimes, though, I’ve felt that men don’t take women seriously…Like for instance, the other day, my mother asked her cook to leave and she refused…Then when my father asked her, she left without a word…

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    • So as a woman, you don’t feel that women have a greater need to be taken care of? No politically correct answers now! I don’t have an opinion on this since I don’t have enough data. But I’ve heard it from some women that in spite of all the gender equality etc, they would prefer a man to take care of them and “take charge” – and not vice versa.

      Me: Personally, I don’t want my husband to take charge of my life…For example, I control my own finances…He’s not interested and doesn’t know what I do with my income…I spend and invest as I see fit…But in things I’m not interested in, I let him decide because someone has to…
      As far as dominance is concerned, in any relationship one person is more dominant than the other…Both can never be the same…It’s a personality thing…
      In this instance, the maid was screaming so much that I felt if my husband had just come and stood next to me, the shouting match could have been avoided…See, household helpers are intelligent…This woman knew that my husband was paying her salary so technically, I didn’t have the right to fire her even though I do all the hiring and firing…

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      • I’ve heard it from some women that in spite of all the gender equality etc….

        Bhagwad gender equality means equal right to justice and opportunities, freedom and happiness.

        And I think asking to be taken charge of is just like how some people talk about ‘benign dictatorship’.

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  2. I guess it’s not so much about “taking care” per se as in taking charge; but more of being there, and supportive! I’d def. agree that things like opening doors, or carrying bags is more of chivalry and good manners than indicating that women are delicate or fragile and cannot do it themselves!

    But more often than not (this is in lighter vein :D), as my FB says, be careful what you wish for, it might just come true 🙂 🙂 So much for saying I want to be independent and strong… the words are either taken too literally, or not at all. I guess it has to do with our psyche of being to extreme 🙂 🙂

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  3. I dont think any woman should look around for help.Help why?
    Such incidents take place in every house and with every marriage.
    All that the woman should expect from her husband is the moral support.
    I think you handled the maid issue well and I would have done the same.

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  4. I don’t think husbands should “help” their wives because women need men’s help. Or vice versa. Help can be extended to fellow human beings, irrespective of their gender, depending on what they seem equipped to handle and what they don’t. So, don’t mind my saying this, your husband could have intervened. If there was another woman in the house instead of him, she would’ve done it too.

    Also, this is such a typical marital situation. We do expect the other half to stand up for us, whether we need it or not. Happens all the time with me too.

    Me: D, he would have intervened if things had gotten worse but he felt I was handling it fine…There were two other maids in the house who did come and stand next to me for a bit…

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  5. That was hilarious response from you husband.
    Jokes apart, personally I don’t think being treated as equals means not taking care of or looking our for the other. In marriage we are partners. I expect my husband to take care of me and I do the same for him.
    But in a situation like yours above I would not expect interference. I would be mortified if he stepped in! 😉

    Me: Actually, I think he did the right thing…He did say that he didn’t feel he needed to interfere…If things had gone really sour, he would have…If he had interfered, it would have undermined my authority…Once, the newspaper man had overcharged and was being rude to me when I pointed it out…After some time, my husband just came and stood behind me – didn’t say a word but just stood there…The guy quickly returned the difference and left…

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    • @Sraboney – ‘After some time, my husband just came and stood behind me – didn’t say a word but just stood there.’

      And Sraboney that is exactly what I wrote in my comment!!! I so agree with this 🙂

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  6. ha ha ha. But honestly I am with the man on this one. I never believe men and women are the same or equal, but I have always believed, we are unique halves of a complete whole!

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  7. I agree the shouting could have been avoided if U’re husband had intervened, but then who cares, u handled it just as well.
    But what i wanted to ask was do men never want to be looked after? to be cared.
    another aspect i was wondering about, i live with my in-laws, would your husband react the same way if his mom was being shouted at?

    Me: I don’t know because my MIL passed away a long time ago so I’ve never seen him interact with her…If the problem had been with my driver, then he would have come…

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  8. Bones, I feel its better like this, I tell you – I don’t want my husband to interfere in these matters. Its only when they interfere, we understand that its too much trouble than support. 😉

    Liked the last line – ur husband’s reply…LOL !!! 🙂

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  9. Ha ha!! Fishing for trouble, that’s what u were doing, bones.

    Also, They do have a knack of stepping in when really not required!!

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  10. Why did your husband not get angry at how your cook treated your daughter? Was he not present there or does he happen to be lot more patient & tolerant than you?

    Me: He did but he figured since I supervise the maids, it was my job to fire her…

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  11. Hahaha. Love the man! Made Arvind read it and he says he can picture MM having this conversation with a dead-pan expression. By the way, just how many maids do you have?! Two standing by you while you’re firing a third!! And this is in Singapore?

    Me: This was in Gurgaon…I don’t have a full-timer here just a part-timer…

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  12. Sraboney even best friends stand by each other. If the places were exchanged it would have been for you to at least come and stand somewhere close – but clearly seen -if you felt it would help.

    It’s not about protecting someone weaker, it’s about being a team.

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  13. Your husband’s a great guy! I like him. There is no doubt that he would have rushed to protect you had you really needed to be; that response is inbuilt into a man’s DNA. I may sound like an MCP, but your reaction too was one that is wired into a woman’s DNA!!

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  14. 🙂 ha ha , am with your Mister all the way ! 200% endorse , esp on this matter…i mean , oh you women and your never ending cook / maid rants ! 😉

    Me: But in this case, he was as upset about the maid’s behaviour as I was, but thought I should deal with it…You men HATE doing the dirty stuff because you want to be liked…Maids and drivers always curse the Madam never the Sir ’cause the Sirs never say anything…

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  15. Pingback: Indian women and new laws to protect them - A Voice for Single Parents

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