The Demons In Me

Every evening I sit by the pool of my condo and watch the world go by – I watch toddlers playing, babies taking their first steps, teenage boys bullying younger boys, and couples walking hand in hand…On one such evening, all of a sudden a hundred ton anxiety bomb whistled out of nowhere and leveled me emotionally…I was truly gutted…Couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t function normally for a while…Midlife crisis? Maybe…

After a few days of wading through the debris left by this bomb, I decided to clean up some of the mess by exorcising (at least trying to instead of avoiding them completely) the demons that have been wrecking my insides for years…There’s one I want to exorcise particularly, one that has been bothering me for eons – romance, or rather the lack of it…So, how do I go about doing this? By writing a blog post about it, of course…

A heart to heart with a friend yesterday over what she desired in a relationship woke up the old demon inside me…I want romance in my marriage, have always wanted it but the spine-chilling truth is that my husband and I have never had even a second of Mills & Boon type of romance in our relationship…You see, we aren’t exactly the candle-lit dinner types although I would like to try it…My head started spinning…Shoot! Was our marriage dead in the water? Are we happy? OK, so we are a bit boring by conventional standards but does that mean we are unhappy?

A brief discussion with my husband followed…Suddenly, a ray of sunlight started breaking through the dark clouds in my mind…It turns out that we do have romance, truck loads of it, it’s just not the popular version peddled by Aditya Chopra or Karan Johar…Sitting together watching reruns of ‘Law & Order’ for the hundredth time because it’s my favorite show or watching IPL because he wants to, discussing books, reminiscing about our childhood or exchanging smiles over the antics of our daughter are all things which make us happy…What’s romance after all, if it isn’t being who you are in front of each other or doing things for each other?

Cathartic rant over but my position as the No. 1 over-thinker and senseless-worrier remains secure…

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Yours & Mine

Should some things remain private in a marriage? Yes, I think some things should…My husband and I haven’t shared our e-mail or FB passwords with each other not because we have major secrets, but because we both believe we each need our individual space…I believe that my husband does not need to know about each and every conversation or e-mail I exchange with my family and friends because I am an individual and being married doesn’t change that…E-mails, in my opinion, fall in the same category as snail mail…I wouldn’t want my husband to open any physical correspondence addressed to me, and thankfully he doesn’t, just like he wouldn’t like me opening his mail without his knowledge…Sharing stuff with him is my choice…I would be completely smothered if my right to privacy was violated…I strongly believe that some things should remain private for a healthy and long marriage…

Some of my friends tell me our thinking is weird; by deciding not to share everything with each other at the beginning of our marriage, we had started planning for it to fail…I obviously don’t see it that way… Just because someone is exceptionally private does not necessarily mean that he or she has something to hide…I tell my husband everything, even things he’s not interested in – I just don’t want him to spy on me…Trust and love mean that you don’t need to know everything about each other and can give each other space to be who they are without you…

What do you think?

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A Letter To OG

Dear OG,

When I read your post Last Man Standing!!!, I knew I had to write to you and make you see things differently…Unlike you, I don’t see marriage as the end of freedom and back to accountability and curfews…Instead, I see it as an insurance policy against things I don’t want to do or boring situations I want to get out of…I have some experience in this area as I have been married for nearly nine years…

Why do I see marriage as an insurance policy? Because it lets me get out of sticky or boring situations without losing face or credibility by using my husband as a strategic tool…I can now easily say to a single friend who has no intention of leaving “Hey, I think you’d better leave…It’s getting late and my husband needs to sleep” …If I get an invitation to a lunch/dinner I don’t want to attend, I can say without blinking my eye “Oh Friday, sorry but my husband has already accepted an invitation…Next time, okay?”

Marriage also protects me from doing things I don’t enjoy doing…Like for instance, I hate shopping especially grocery shopping so every second weekend I say, “Honey, I know how much you love shopping – would you mind going to the store for me? I have the list ready, it’ll take only 20 minutes” or “I’m not feeling well, can you cook today?” when I’m in no mood to cook…

Tell me truthfully OG, can you get out of such situations easily? I don’t think so…If you could, you wouldn’t have gone to Ruby Skye…See, now you don’t have an excuse to get out of things or anybody to blame but yourself…In other words, your interests are not protected, mine are because I’m married…

I hope you view marriage a bit differently now…

Take care,

Sraboney